Scout & Birdie
Scout & Birdie

The following text was found sticking out of Bonnie Mae Mayonnaise’s (1953 - 2015) typewriter. From what we can tell, it seems to be written during her very last stroke, perhaps at its climax. Doctors tell us this miraculous stroke might have lasted for a straight four and a half days. If we had to guess, the severity of this attack caused her great confusion, and she attempted writing a letter to both an executive (?) at Disney and her “SIS” at the same time. Enjoy.


I recently found out that I was told that Disney is potentially making Elsa a lesbian in the soon-2-be released cquel to my favorite daughter’s favorite film Frozen. What the HECK….,.. Please note how I call it a “film” and not a “movie.” Clearly I mean bizness, so please take my concern hear with the utmoist of serious.

     Hello My SIS!!!!! Well, I will have to have my left hip operated on....again....I had it "Scoped" and a tear repaired and some arthritis removed in 1983. Had the MRO yesterday just waiting to see what the HECK I did and when Dr. Finkelsburger can do the repare .....again.......SHIT!!!! Going to make early supper now, and have a little lot of wine!!!!! WINE!!!!!!!!!

     This is simply unacceptable. Elsa? A lesbean? They live in Norway, there’s plenty of other fish she can catch. Like, literal fish. Not metaphorical vaginal fish. Do you get my joke? Anyway, I cannot let this happen. Let it go. (Get it?) The world is not going to become a “gay place,” and you’re pushing of this sort of “lifestyle” “via” a “recently” “iconic” heroine is not going to change anything. If anything, it’s going going goin going to confuse millions of qqqqqquadruple young girls out there. The only closet I want to c Elsa come out of is not a gay one. There I said it. I mean, come on, it’s bad enough that I take my daughter to the grocery store and there’s an entire freeser devoted to,,, vegan chicken fingers. And now this?%!? I want a total refund for our vacation to Disney World last last February. Like , a total refund!!! I accepted cashier’s cheques. Please note that I spelt it “cheque” and not “check,” because I’m seriousness I want my money back, you agenda ppppppppppushing Commies!

     If Elsas a lesbian - I hate that I even have to type this - all of us mothers out here are going to have to sit our daughters down and tell them that it’s not okay to be lesbian and have sex with ur sisters. Because let’s be honest, that’s wat’s going to happen, isn’t it not? Spoiler alert!! Wee woo wee woo! Elsa is going to date rape Anna. Un. Accep. T. Able. I won’t stand for it. Sure, personally speaking, my daughter, Charlotte, doesn’t have a sister that she can da,te rape!, but some little girls out there do in fact have sisters that they can… I don’t want 2 type out “date rape” again, I really donut. But what if?! Huh!?! What if one day my little Charlotte XOXOXOXO, who is just now about to enter perimenopause, gets a sister? What then?........... Are you, @Mr. Disney, going to come have the talk with her? About how it’s not okay to change into a lesbian and fist her very own sister? I don’t think you will. You’ll do nothing but “encourage” her. And I’d really like to remind you right now that I want my money back for our vacation to Disney World last February. A TO.T.AL. Refund. I accept FARMVILLE CREDIT

     Hey Sis.......Hope all is well wih you and yours. Just to let you in the news, and please pass this on to Paul. (I will also FaaceBook her) Great Uncle Don Costco passed away. Viewing is today from 2 to 2:15 and mass is tomorrow at 10 (morning). I know you cunt make it on such short notice, but I thought you would want to send a card. It is in the Newspaper Gazette on line and you can leave a message there also. Love to all....especially you.

     I know what you’re thiNKING. “Great! Another conservative point of view.!” And you’ll be right if that’s what’s running through your big ol’ noggin right about now. I love biscuits and gravy and a cool Miller Light with no spicy lime. I love my porch. SIS! my B P has been high , but what you going to do. I love to let my dog lick my feet while I report my neighbors to Officer Coldcut. For keeping their outside light on when they’re not out there. They do that all the time, u know, and it’s plain as can be disrespectful. We r #suffering from an hashbrowntag energy hashbrowntag crisis right now. All of the “super” democratic American cities like Big Apple and Las Angels and Southeast Croatia are sucking up Untied States’s power, and I won’t stand for it munch longer. I will NOT LET that sort of hippy attitude make its way into MY town. I do not know what a ‘Venmo” is!!!!!!!!! O KEY? DOE ?KEY?????

     No, I do not actually have a doughter. But I’m upset, and that’s what m

     Never mind Sissssssszzzz! Can't get down the flip kick'in steps to get the Room and Coke it is!! Diet Coke of course.....I am a DAMN lady! Stop! Lost weight for Sammy’s wedding lost month and I’m keepin it OFF!!! teen y weiner bikinis.

     atters. I don’t understand why it is this way that it is. Why do I have to watch something I don’t understand? ? Isn’t it enough that I just don’t like the thought of Elzabub smoochin up on her sis? Isn’t it enough that I just want my money back. Sure, fine, okay, I get it, okay, get off my dick, I understand that my family’s vacation to Disney World was in July of 1979, and that it was just me that went because my husband Hank left me 4 his cuzin Jam the month before. U owe me that, right? Thank You Very Much ! U owe me for spending so much $$$ that I really didn’t have to begin with. I was sad and heartbroken. You took advantage of me, and I will not let the lesbian mindset take advantage of sweet Elsa’s brain like that in the same way that you did mine on my trip. I have to replace tea carpet in my basement!!!!!!!!!! Last year’s flood really f***ucked it up, and I need 2 reconcile thee issue. That’s where I watch my movies and host my Easter luncheons. MY ham and cheese “tea time” sandwiches will go soggy if they have 2 be down there with the current carpet. ELSA does need NOT eat “CARPET.” ESPECIALLY HER SISTERS CARPET. I will NOT “stand” for that. I would munch rather watch her try and fuck the snowman. I will not di


About the artist...

Tyler Anthony Smith is the shrewd, undomesticated, and Chicago-based author of this piece. He is absolutely composed of several woodland creatures and glitter/fake grapes found on the floor of a Jo-Ann Fabrics. Tyler is the writer and star of the soon-to-be touring Mein Comps, a gaaaaay fantasia on irrational international themes, in which a certain dictator sells discounted theatre tickets. For dates and deets, head to His new character cabaret Tyler Anthony Smith is THIN will premiere in Chicago in 2019. Instagram: @tyreranfernee

Want to see more of Tyler's work?

Check out his piece, The Nicole Kidman, from Issue III: Roots!