Scout & Birdie
Scout & Birdie

I was right

I remember moments when thoughts would pop up, thoughts my brain categorizes as
negative thoughts bad thoughts insecure thoughts.

I choose to brush these thoughts away under carpets of
“He’s just tired from his job.”
“He’s going through a lot”
“He told me he loves me”
“He’s just quiet”
“I trust him” 

Brush brush brush
Sweep sweep sweep

But I was right

You take out your phone,
you answer never-ending text conversations with other people,
you distract yourself as I talk.
You say “I promise I’m listening”
You say “I’m not ignoring you”
You still go on Tinder to make “friends”
You leave the room a minute after I introduce you to my friends
You aren’t here
I just -

I compare myself to many of the instagram posts you double-click on
I make friends with the other women you invite to our plans - even when they clearly don’t know who or what I am.
I hang out with your ex
I stop myself from cringing every single time you call me your “friend” or “the friend”
I don’t make a big deal when you don’t respond
I send you memes to make you laugh
But I’m not enough for you, I just don’t want to see it.

I debate buying you a scarf I know you’ll like, because I think it’s too much. I buy it anyway.
I befriend your friends
I listen when you say you want a big tea-cup and a ring so I can make them your holiday gifts.
I wake up at six am with you to go to work because I want to spend the night in your arms
I bring surprise tea to your work on a day I feel us drifting
I say I love you, after weeks of knowing it. And you love my cat
When we’re together, you touch your phone more than you touch me
Sometimes you don’t come, I never come
You tell me you love me for the first time over text and you dare to say “Woman you know this.” I don’t.
My mom asks me why I love you and I don’t know how to respond.
You surprise me with a yellow rose. It’s dead now. You update your Tinder profile a day after we break up
The day I find that out I rip the dead yellow rose to shreds
The day I find out you swiped right on my best friend “accidentally” I wish I had a million to rip to shreds
But you only give me one
I think that’s the only true thing you give me because you can’t give anything more.
And I can’t see that.

That’s on me.
I betray myself through your indifference. I chip and chop and dissolve my own value away to fit into mold of the little space you give me. I dim myself to be your Understanding Girlfriend. Girlfriend.
Finally, for the first time in my life I’m someone’s Girlfriend
I just wish it would have been someone who has the balls, the space, the desire, the maturity to treat me like one
Because now after all that’s happened I only feel rage and disappointment every single time I think of you
I just wish you would have told me you weren’t sure instead of all the other stuff
Or maybe I just wish I would have seen it 


About the artist...

Sarah (or Sar) Cohen is a recent Columbia College Chicago graduate with a major in Acting and a minor in Stage Combat. She is originally from Mexico City and currently exploring poetry, solo performance and dance in addition to acting in Chicago.

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Check out her work from past issues: