I was right
I remember moments when thoughts would pop up, thoughts my brain categorizes as
negative thoughts bad thoughts insecure thoughts.
I choose to brush these thoughts away under carpets of
“He’s just tired from his job.”
“He’s going through a lot”
“He told me he loves me”
“He’s just quiet”
“I trust him”
Brush brush brush
Sweep sweep sweep
But I was right
One:
You take out your phone,
you answer never-ending text conversations with other people,
you distract yourself as I talk.
You say “I promise I’m listening”
You say “I’m not ignoring you”
You still go on Tinder to make “friends”
You leave the room a minute after I introduce you to my friends
You aren’t here
I just -
Two:
I compare myself to many of the instagram posts you double-click on
I make friends with the other women you invite to our plans - even when they clearly don’t know who or what I am.
I hang out with your ex
I stop myself from cringing every single time you call me your “friend” or “the friend”
I don’t make a big deal when you don’t respond
I send you memes to make you laugh
But I’m not enough for you, I just don’t want to see it.
Three:
I debate buying you a scarf I know you’ll like, because I think it’s too much. I buy it anyway.
I befriend your friends
I listen when you say you want a big tea-cup and a ring so I can make them your holiday gifts.
I wake up at six am with you to go to work because I want to spend the night in your arms
I bring surprise tea to your work on a day I feel us drifting
I say I love you, after weeks of knowing it. And you love my cat
When we’re together, you touch your phone more than you touch me
Sometimes you don’t come, I never come
You tell me you love me for the first time over text and you dare to say “Woman you know this.” I don’t.
My mom asks me why I love you and I don’t know how to respond.
You surprise me with a yellow rose. It’s dead now. You update your Tinder profile a day after we break up
The day I find that out I rip the dead yellow rose to shreds
The day I find out you swiped right on my best friend “accidentally” I wish I had a million to rip to shreds
But you only give me one
I think that’s the only true thing you give me because you can’t give anything more.
And I can’t see that.
That’s on me.
I betray myself through your indifference. I chip and chop and dissolve my own value away to fit into mold of the little space you give me. I dim myself to be your Understanding Girlfriend. Girlfriend.
Finally, for the first time in my life I’m someone’s Girlfriend
I just wish it would have been someone who has the balls, the space, the desire, the maturity to treat me like one
Because now after all that’s happened I only feel rage and disappointment every single time I think of you
I just wish you would have told me you weren’t sure instead of all the other stuff
Or maybe I just wish I would have seen it
About the artist...
Sarah (or Sar) Cohen is a recent Columbia College Chicago graduate with a major in Acting and a minor in Stage Combat. She is originally from Mexico City and currently exploring poetry, solo performance and dance in addition to acting in Chicago.
Want to see more of Sarah’s work?
Check out her work from past issues:
Over The Moon from Issue XVI: Over The Moon